im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
