two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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