bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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