Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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