Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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