I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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