I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
