i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im drinking this country out of the recession.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
