So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
