office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
