So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
