My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
