I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
