when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
