if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
