Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
