Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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