I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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