Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
