Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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