Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
is that a dick in a sweater?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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