There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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