Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
