Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
