You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
