break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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