Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
