do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
