What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im holly from the hills drunk
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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