Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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