Just fell off a train. Bad.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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