Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
