the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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