i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
tell me about the fingering
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