I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
