i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
