the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
