i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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