I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
