i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
