I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
