When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
