There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
