Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
