i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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