Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
