why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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