I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
