You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
