Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
