You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
