During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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