So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
As shirtless as possible
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
