he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
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I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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