Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
