My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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