I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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